To: My Friends

Issue: Letting Go of Anger

When bad things happen it is natural to feel disappointment and anger, and to wish for justice or retribution. Bruised egos, misunderstandings and unkept promises are part of organizational life. They can be seeds of anger. Obsessing over them undermines your joie de vivre, health, and your team.

"Good" happens! And even though it is not fair, so does "bad." "Bad" can happen intentionally or unintentionally. Someone may hurt you without being aware of the pain you feel. Your anger generally does not hurt them as much as it hurts you and the people who experience its effect on you.

How we deal with anger is part of what defines us. Some people love their anger. Others don't know how to reduce it. But hanging on to anger keeps you focused on the rear view mirror when you need to be looking ahead. No matter how you try, you can't turn the clock back and change the past. Actions to right a wrong still do not change what happened.

You have a choice: You can give control of you life to the person who angers you by hanging on to your anger, or you can forgive and get on with life.

To forgive is not to condone what has happened. It is more like saying, "I don't like what you did. I wish it had not happened. But it does me no good to hold a grudge, so I am going to let go and move on."

The basic letting go process works this way:

1. Accept that there is "bad" in the world and that you will experience some. Part of the challenge of organizational life is to place the events of your life in perspective.
2. There is also a lot of "good." Look for it and you will find it. Focusing on the good fosters a sense of gratitude and helps you place things in perspective.
3. Recognize that continued negative feelings about someone or some event anchor you in the past. Ask yourself these questions and write down the answers:
   1. How is this affecting my work, team, mental outlook and physical health?
   2. How will I benefit by forgiving?
   3. What will I lose if I forgive?
4. Envision what life will be like when you are freed of your anger. Write this down, save it, and commit to yourself to pursue it.
5. Draft a letter to the person you forgive:

         Dear ____:
   
         On May 23, 1997, _________ happened. It affected me ________.  
         Because of your role in this I have held anger toward you until 
         now. I still don't like what happened, but I have come to realize 
         that it does no good to bear a grudge.  Thus, I would like to 
         forgive you and get on with my life.
         

6. Sending the letter to the person could backfire on you. Much of the anger reduction benefit comes from writing the letter, so just file it in your "grudge file."
7. With some good friends, ceremoniously destroy your "grudge file" and celebrate your liberation.

You can't control what happens to you in life. You can choose how you respond. The ironical result of a bad experience is to surrender control of your life to the person who inflicted pain on you. For the benefit of you and your team, don't let that happen.

Sincerely,

Ian Jacobsen CMC, FIMC
Coach to Leaders and Teams