Issue: Switching Off Your "Hot Button"

Working with some people can try the patience of a saint. Mistakes, excuses, complaints, snide remarks, etc. can test your patience. Such events can "push your hot button." Occasionally someone will push it to get a reaction. Usually people push it unwittingly. If you respond automatically you have surrendered control of yourself.

It is natural to have "hot buttons." So long as there are things about which you care there will be situations with the potential to prompt anger or avoidance. Sometimes anger is the response you want. Usually it worsens the situation. What you need is a time delay between when your "hot button" is pushed and when you respond to give you time to choose your response.

Decide who you are: Before you encounter annoying situations, determine how you want to deal with them. Do you want to be seen as a hot head or as someone who is unflappable? Do you want to take the "high road" or be "down and dirty?" Or do you just want to close down? The image you choose for yourself will be your guiding star for those moments between when your "hot button" is pushed and when you respond.

Choose your response: You can't control what others do; you can control how you choose to respond. When your "hot button" is pushed, activate your 10-second delay switch. Then ask yourself:

1. What do I want to accomplish when I respond to this? Do I want to vent anger or appear unfazed?
2. What is the best way to communicate my message? What will get through? You will need a different strategy to communicate with prison inmates than with a team of research scientists.
3. What do I need to do so that, when I look back on this a month from now, I will be proud of how I handled this?

Displaying anger seldom brings out the best in you or others. It diverts attention from the message to the anger. It puts people on the defensive. Defensive people close down and are less open to solving problems just when they need to be more open.

Should you avoid expressing your feelings? No, but try to delay until you can express the message you want. When you have regained your composure and decided your objectives, describe what happened, explain how you felt and engage in problem-solving:

"Yesterday you barged into my office four times while I was meeting with Joe. You disregarded my admonition not to disturb us. I was so upset that I was ready to fire you. I have calmed down now. How can we prevent this from happening again?"

Closing down has its problems. If you bottle up what annoys you it eats away at you, and the person who "pushed your hot button" is unaware of your misery.

You can't change people's behavior; change comes from within. The best you can hope is let them understand its impact on you. Then they may decide to change.

As long as you have sensitivities and work with others, there will be times when they "push your hot buttons." By installing a delay switch between your "hot button" and your response you can gain a little extra time to decide how you want to respond. When you decide, you are in control. That is preferable to letting yourself be a victim.

Sincerely,

Ian Jacobsen, FIMC
Certified Management Consultant